Current Investment Advice

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier last week, your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

But, if you had bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drunk it all, then taken the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would now get £214.
So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

Chubby Brown

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"

Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

Posh Wedding

I went to a rather Posh do and throughout the whole church services I was dying for a crap. It was really painful and I couldn't wait for a dump.
Anyway, we leave the church and off to the brides house a few minutes walk away. I make my excuses as we arrive and go to the little boys room.
God was it a great shit. The bloody length on it - how I came out in one piece I don't know.
And would it flush, NO. I flush 3 times and it would go.
So I decided I couldn't leave it there as everyone know I'd gone up. So all there was left to do was to grab a load of toilet paper, grab the offending sausage and throw it out of the window. Not a nice job (no punn )but it had to be done.
So off I go downstairs, feeling much lighter. I see that most of the guests that arrived were in the newly built conservatory - and I was meet with deadly silence and a few grins. One of my mates was nearly crying trying to hold in his giggles.
Brides father looks up - and there on the glass roof of the conservatory is the biggest, longest dump you've ever seen.
I've not been round since :)